The Primate Awards
Most Theatrical Primate
Winner: The Sifaka
It’s unclear whether or not the sifaka is aware of that he’s not really on a stage and that nobody is definitely watching him. However his thirst to carry out is unquenchable.
Primate within the Most Despair
Winner: The Colobus
On any given day, at any given second, no matter you’re doing, someplace on the market the colobus is in whole despair. We hoped profitable this award would possibly cheer him up, nevertheless it solely made him extra crestfallen.
Primate Who Would Be Most Shocked If You Gave Them a Mirror
Winner: The Mandrill
The Mandrill thinks he appears like this:
And why would he assume in any other case? These are regular monkey colours, and so far as he is aware of, he’s a standard monkey.
However he really appears like a clown:
Nobody has had the center to say one thing to him but, which might be for the very best.
Primate With the Most Trip Days
Winner: The Japanese Macaque
Each time I see these guys, they’re within the fucking scorching tub. Undecided how they pulled this off, however they’ve actually obtained all of it labored out.
Primate That Might Sort of Go for an Unattractive, Dumb, Bizarre-Appearing Human
Winner: The Bonobo
Bonobos are very near being dumb people. Take a look at this dude roasting marshmallows prefer it’s no large deal.
Primate That Would Look Regular Besides One Ridiculous Characteristic Ruins Every thing
Joint Winners: The Proboscis Monkey and The Uakari
Try the images under. Fairly regular monkey, proper?
Now take a look at the uakari. Earlier than you scroll down, attempt to image what a standard head would possibly appear like.
No matter you pictured, I assure it was not a tiny pink human fetus head:
Disturbing, proper? It actually appears like a sixth grader photoshopped a goblin head on prime of a monkey picture for a Halloween card.
Winner: The Child Orangutan
The newborn orangutan shocked everybody by taking dwelling the award this 12 months, particularly the white-cheeked gibbon, who was unavailable for remark.
Primate You’d Need Round Your Daughter the Least
Winner: The Patas Monkey
That’s probably not a face you ever count on to see on a non-human, and it makes the patas monkey the final primate you need anyplace close to your daughter. We’d all choose to not know what goes on at the hours of darkness corners of the patas monkey’s thoughts.
Most Appalled Primate
Winner: The Indri
You’d suppose by now the indri would have gotten used to the way in which issues are, however he’s nonetheless appalled by the whole lot.
Most Artistically Tortured Primate
Narrowly edging out the red-faced spider monkey for the victory, the cotton-top tamarin is a Beethoven-level musical genius, however nobody has seen.
Primate With the Most Extreme Face
Christ, alpha male orangutan, get ahold of your self. That is what occurs when evolution is left utterly unregulated. For male orangutans, the larger the face, the higher likelihood of getting laid—and now the male orangutan inhabitants has out-faced one another into whole absurdity.
Greatest Catastrophe of a Primate
The one primate to win two awards right this moment, this specific alpha male orangutan is simply an utter catastrophe.
Most Cartoon-Like Primate
Winner: The Tarsier
First, let’s take a second to acknowledge the runner-up, the hapless sluggish loris.
Transferring onto the winner, now we have the primates’ joke species, the tarsier—
That is the package deal the tarsier is presenting us with right this moment, apparently discovering no have to act like a professional creature.
Mafia Boss of the Primates
The gorilla looks like the apparent alternative right here, proper?
Effectively it seems that the gorilla is simply the henchmanfor the actual mafia boss.
Winner: The Ring-Tailed Lemur
Most Awkward Colour Distinction Between Guardian and Youngster
Winner: The Silver Langur
Everytime you’re with a silver langur, the elephant within the room is that her little one is a vivid orange, sphere-headed creature blatantly not of the identical species. The Silver Langur refuses to acknowledge that something is bizarre in regards to the scenario, and the remainder of us know to only not carry it up.
Primate Most Like an Irish Legendary Character
Winner: The Golden Lion Tamarin
So now now we have the elf, the leprechaun, and this little orange gnome of a monkey who generally offers you the finger. I’d say that proudly owning one could be my final fantasy, however…
Primate I Need to Personal Extra Than I Need Something Else within the World
Winner: The Pygmy Marmoset
Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? After I found footage of this creature, I fell deep right into a Wikipedia spiral about them, studying amongst different issues that the pygmy marmoset, or finger monkey, is A) good, even for a monkey, B) lives 12 years or extra, and C) can soar as much as 16 toes.
Residing with one could be a dream. Simply think about having dinner collectively, him on the desk in a tiny excessive chair. Or being collectively on an airplane, him strapped right into a one-inch seatbelt within the seat subsequent to you. You’d tuck him in at evening into his mattress made out of an Altoid tin. That is now the one factor that issues to me.
Primate Most Equivalent to Meryl Streep
Winner: The Lesula Monkey
Scientists have been shocked when in 2007, they found this beforehand unknown monkey that appears and acts precisely like Meryl Streep.
Primate Most Equivalent to Michael Jackson
Winner: The Snub-Nosed Monkey
Primate Most Equivalent to George W. Bush
Winner: The Macaque
Most Embarrassing Primate
Winner: The White-Confronted Saki
A real loser, the white-faced saki is somebody all primates are ashamed to confess is a part of their household. His family are additionally fairly sick of his face trying so indifferent from the remainder of his physique. And simply when everybody thought issues couldn’t worsen, he determined to develop a goatee.
Greatest Disney Film Dangerous Man Primate
Winner: The Gelada
No photoshopping right here—there’s really a distant cousin of yours that appears that evil. As if his intensely sinister face wasn’t sufficient, he’s really sporting a foul man overcoat always.
Primate Most Going By means of a Horrible Wrestle that No One Else Understands
Winner: The Aye-Aye
Nobody is aware of what the aye-aye’s situation is, however he’s actually going via some shit. The gollum of the primate world may need an intense paranoia downside, nevertheless it additionally might be that he is aware of some horrible reality the remainder of us don’t. For now, in all probability a great man to keep away from.
Should you’ve had sufficient trying within the mirror for right this moment and wish to snort at another person’s household, see the Wait However Why posts on bunnies, bugs, and birds.
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